You know what’s better about writing for the masses than speaking to the masses? N-no h-hesitating, and you can’t smell me. Not that I’m worried about you smelling me. I smell fine, don’t get me wrong. But I also don’t want to smell you.
Leave it up to a goddamned robot to give me the self-conscious heebie jeebies about breathing in front of one. The Kitakyushu National College of Technology and CrazyLabo have come up with a couple of ‘bots that detect odors and tell you what those odors say about you as a person. What the ‘bot says is beyond hilarious, and I hope they don’t adjustment the translations should the device go widespread.
There’s a girl’s head with a nose you can breathe into, or whatever else you want to do, and whatever bits of technological sniffery are embedded inside can tell you “I no problem at all smell. Good sweet and sour.” Even if you don’t have any fried food about you. Or maybe things are “Intolerable. No good anymore.” You might need one of those metaphorical “soap baths” that people talk about. Or a “tooth washing.” But then if things get too ridiculous, “It is over. Limit value occurrence of an emergency situation.” Fuck, dude! I left all my Axe Bodyspray in my other…no wait, it’s right here.
If you’re more worried about your foot smell, or if you ‘re especially inclined to do the limbo any time you need to get smelled, try the dog robot, which does the same thing, only it lies down and plays dead when your stench is “reyond repugnant, Raggy.” Everyone needs this, but everyone is afraid to buy it. This is what gifts are for. Anonymous gifts.