Teenage Average Normal Turtles! Turtle Parody!

By Nick Venable | 8 years ago

You know what was the best part about the 1980s? I’ll take your stunned silence that such a question exists as a no. It was a decade in which every possible idea that anyone had eventually made its way to the public. Hair metal bands that professed nothing but partying while singing the wimpiest ballads known to man? That shit happened. Leisure Suit Larry made eight-bit gaming pornographic. And then, of course, there were…the Ewoks. But I think we can all agree that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were definitely one of the decade’s highlights, seeing as how none of it made any sense, and it made its creators a fortune. And isn’t that what Reagan’s ’80s were all about?

So what if the veil were pulled back and reality came hurtling at us, or rather crawling at us methodically? No, I’m not talking about the 1990s, or Michael Bay’s upcoming TMNT movie. I’m talking about the collaboration between animal-friendly group The Pet Collective and the comedy trio The Olde Money Boyz. They’ve served up the above video, which proves that ooze makes everything more interesting, especially ooze with a “b” in front of it.

I really dig the above video for all the obvious reasons — cleverness, parody lyrics, Splinter’s tombstone — but I can barely watch it more than once. I have a problem listening to off-key parodies of songs in the first place, especially this one. As a child, I was watching a video tape that got eaten up as the cartoon’s theme played, and it distorted the voices and the music to a degree that it has haunted me for years. Also, the four turtles who kidnapped my brother makes all of this uncomfortable anyway. But maybe those were alien turtles.

I’ve never had turtles as a pet, and that seems like a good idea, considering I don’t trust anything that walks away from free pizza. Perhaps if we all just repeatedly watch the above parody and this tribute video, the upcoming film adaptation will totally cease to be, which would be totally bossa nova. Chevy Nova?

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