So let’s go over everything wrong with this thing, from top to bottom, in the most anal and unempathetic way possible. First, the mask looks like someone melted cheese over the face of someone suffocating themselves behind a thick sheet of Saran Wrap. Second, there’s that puka shell necklace, which would look much better on an actual surfer rather than just a surfboarding mutant, and the pair of sunglasses that are clearly too small for that giant skull.
And then there’s the…ugh…tattoo on his left arm, which I’m honestly glad isn’t clearer, as I’m sure it would be something completely out of place. Would it say “mom” even though he doesn’t have one? Seriously, where would a grown-ass turtle go to get a tattoo?
Then there’s the hoodie or whatever that’s tied around his waist, clearly just a drawn-on part of the costume and just as clearly looking like two giant dicks hanging between his legs. I’m not one who generally just sees phallic shapes everywhere, but when the shoe fits…and looks like a dick… And to go a little further into Michelangelo’s costume, we have a pair of pants that are half cutoffs, and half ripped up. And part of it is bandaged? What the hell is happening here?
I don’t even want to go into how terrible the texture of the skin looks. I’m really hoping this isn’t the final look of the Turtles seen in the upcoming film, or I might take a pair of nunchakus to the dome. Unfortunately, this lines up perfectly with the description of the toy line coming out around the same time. The only thing about this picture that makes me happy is the fact that it’s only Michelangelo and doesn’t include all four Turtles.
I don’t even think Michael Bay can be blamed for this, as I seriously doubt he was hands-on at all for the look of the heroes. I don’t even know if director Jonathan Liebesman is responsible. It probably isn’t out of the question to assume this all happened in a vacuum far from sensible, problem-solving human beings. It certainly makes the positivity previously reported on that much more suspect.
And thus ends my ranting for the evening. Let’s all pretend this didn’t happen and dig on an episode of the original cartoon series seen below. Bossa nova!