Death Star Architect Defends His Exhaust Port Designs Via An Open Letter

By Nick Venable | 7 years ago

death starWhen it comes to quirky conversations about Star Wars, the subject matter usually revolves around who shot first, Leia’s bikini, or the number of independent contractors who may have been killed (if you happen to be in a particular convenience store at just the right time). But there is also much to be said about the Imperial architects whose genius idea for the exhaust system inevitably led to the battlestation’s destruction. But some big news was recently unearthed when the website Dorkly “found” an open letter penned by one of those very architects. And not only does he (or she, I could suppose, but won’t) lay out a well-balanced argument as to why all previous blame has been misguided, but he also puts the bulk of the responsibility at the feet of the saga’s two biggest names: Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader.

I know, somebody complaining about their boss is really original, right? But there’s a lot of sense being made here. First of all, the only reason an open letter was even assembled is because the Death Star’s corporate side was terrible with official complaints. The strongest point of this argument, as written by Dak Exhaustport (really Andrew Bridgman), lies in the very definition of the exhaust port itself.

Do you know HOW MUCH EXHAUST is created by this MOON-SIZED battle station? There were hundreds of floors on that thing. It housed a laser capable of instantly blowing up planets. It needs a LOT of ventilation — the fact that I was able to keep those exhaust ports to the size of a womp rat should earn me some credit.

He then goes on to point out that exhaust vents will push things out, not suck things in, so there’s no logical reason why the torpedoes would have taken its hairpin turn on its way to blowing up the core. But nothing is logical, he points out, when “we live in a galaxy with magic space wizards,” and two of the most important employers of the Force happened to be in the Death Star trench at the same time. And not that anyone is bureaucratically counting who’s ahead of whom, but the destruction of said Death Star killed the non-breathing-impaired villain Grand Moff Tarkin, so the “tragedy” actually gave Vader something of a promotion and made him the second most powerful bad guy around.

So you see? It wasn’t the fault of one regular guy, but one that should have already been taken care of by those in charge of everything.

Maybe if we weren’t up against a bunch of space wizards, or if Darth Vader had tried a little harder to wipe out his kid, we’d still have the Death Star. That’s the problem — not a tiny hole that did what it was designed to do.

If you need any work done on your own private spacebound space station, give him a call, as the Galactic Empire doesn’t want much to do with him these days. But remember to tell your employees what the risks are behind your project.