We Sorted The Cast Of Star Trek: The Next Generation Into Hogwarts Houses
Our deputy editor sorts the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation into different Hogwarts houses so you don't have to.
You ever have one of those Christmas Eve Eves (as in the night before Christmas Eve) where you give your girlfriend a personalized Hufflepuff Christmas tree ornament, let her know your personalized Ravenclaw ornament is on the way (because she made you take the official sorting hat quiz at The Wizarding World) and then you spend the rest of the night sorting the cast of all the Star Trek series (and also your cats) into Hogwarts houses?
Just me? Okay. Just me.
Because my girlfriend and I enjoyed those wonderful few hours arguing such controversial topics as whether Jean-Luc Picard is Gryffindor or Ravenclaw, and I made sure to write everything down, I can share our results with you. Some of these choices will, I’m sure, be seen as no-brainers, while others are probably going to make you want to point a stick at me and yell something in Latin. Either way, here’s where I think the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation would find themselves in the houses of Harry Potter’s Hogwarts.
Captain Picard – Ravenclaw
Captain Picard (Patrick Stewart) was one of the tougher Star Trek characters to find the right Hogwarts house for because, while we ultimately chose Ravenclaw, he could just as easily find a home in Gryffindor. He may come off as more cerebral, but he’s just as courageous as his original series predecessor.
The best way to explain why we chose Ravenclaw is to give an example of perhaps the biggest difference between Picard and William Shatner‘s Captain Kirk; Kirk thrives on the journey itself, whereas for Picard at least half of the thrill is the tickling of his intellectual curiosity. Kirk enters an uncharted area of space juiced on the very act of traveling through the unknown, while Picard fantasizes about what archaeological wonders he could discover if he just had the time to look. It’s precisely that passionate intellectual curiosity that puts Picard in Ravenclaw.
Will Riker – Gryffindor
So this is clearly one of those Star Trek Hogwarts no-brainer assignments I mentioned earlier. Whether it’s in matters of heroism, romance, or possibly creating a weird transporter duplicate of himself, Will Riker’s (Jonathan Frakes) defining quality is courage. He’s Gryffindor all the way.
Data – Slytherin
Now, before you come for me with your phasers set to WTF, allow me to explain our reasoning. We determined who in Star Trek: The Next Generation fit into what Hogwarts house based on what drives them and what their defining quality is. Brent Spiner’s Data is driven by one of the main characteristics of Slytherin — ambition.
We tend to think of ambition as something negative, but in Data’s case his ambition isn’t for power or wealth; it’s an ambition to become human. Yes, he’s intelligent on a scale that we probably can’t even imagine — which may naturally make you want to put him in Ravenclaw — but his intelligence isn’t what drives him. What drives Data is his hope to somehow become human, even though that ambition constantly defies even his incomparable intelligence.
Geordi La Forge – Ravenclaw
Sorting one of Star Trek’s greatest engineers into the correct Hogwarts house isn’t as simple as you might think. We almost slid Geordi La Forge (LeVar Burton) into Hufflepuff because of his long, demanding hours of work. But Geordi’s passion for engineering and the thrill he shows once he’s worked out a problem make him an obvious member of Ravenclaw.
Beverly Crusher – Gryffindor
No, we didn’t choose the same house as the Weasleys for Dr. Crusher (Gates McFadden) just because of the hair color. She may be a brilliant doctor, but what stands out the most about Beverly Crusher is her courage; whether that’s the courage to take over the Captain’s chair of the Enterprise when the notion clearly terrifies her, or the courage to stand up to everyone from her Captain to a boneheaded Klingon if she thinks they’re doing the wrong thing. She makes questionable choices when it comes to ghost candles, yes, but we’re not here to judge.
Deanna Troi – Hufflepuff
There aren’t a lot of Star Trek: The Next Generation senior crew members who fit into the Hogwarts house Hufflepuff, but Deanna Troi (Marina Sirtis) is perfect for it. As the counselor of the Enterprise, Troi needs to be trustworthy and extremely loyal as she’s responsible for holding sacrosanct the confessions of the entire crew.
Wesley Crusher – Ravenclaw
Was this ever in doubt? Of course not. Star Trek’s favorite teen sidekick has no other possible Hogwarts house to go to. He’s Ravenclaw times a million.
Worf – Slytherin
I don’t imagine this choice will make lots of diehard Worf (Michael Dorn) fans want to write me love letters, but I am convinced after decades of watching this Klingon in Star Trek movies and TV shows that Slytherin is the Hogwarts house for him. Unquestionably, Worf has the boundless courage of a Gryffindor member, but it isn’t courage that gets him out of bed; it’s his ambition for glory. Worf dreams of his name being written in the stars as one of the greatest warriors of all time.
Worf is not cruel or sadistic, but his ambition for glory is a very real thing. Not long after he made the jump to Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, in the Season 4 episode “The Sword of Kahless,” we learn that for most of his life Worf has believed he is a prophetic figure destined to claim the titular artifact. He is not evil and he would probably throttle Snape to death a few minutes after meeting him, but Worf is very much Slytherin.