I’m addicted to Chapstick. There, I said it. It feels good. Acceptance is the first step, right? I don’t even know how it started — I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have a tube of chapstick in my pocket, and my purse, and my desk, and a couple back-up tubes just in case. If I realize I’ve left the house without one, I can’t stop thinking about it until I go buy one. If I see someone apply chapstick, I have to do it too. For Christmas one year, my mom gave me an economy-sized box of ChapStick from Sam’s Club — 40 tubes of the regular flavor and 40 of cherry. At the time, I thought they’d last me forever, especially because ChapStick brand isn’t my favorite, but I actually used them all. At least I’ve matured to better quality chapsticks — you know, the kind that are ridiculously expensive but smell, taste, and feel so good that you just don’t care? I’m always on the lookout for new flavors and brands (have I mentioned I’m an addict?), so imagine my delight when I found sci-fi inspired lip balm on Etsy.
A user called “GeekFireLabs,” who appears to be based out of Austin, Texas, makes her own geeky lip balm. There’s the Doctor Who-inspired “Time Lord Toffee” and “Bad Wolf” balms, Firefly-inspired “Tea With Inara” (I bet that one sells a lot), “Second Breakfast” for Hobbit dorks, “Girl on Fire” for Hunger Games fanatics, Harry Potter-inspired “Patronus” balm, a “Goblin King’s Gift” for those of us who never stopped daydreaming about David Bowie after watching Labyrinth, and more, including a “Loki” balm. If I were ever to make my own chapstick, this is pretty much exactly what I would try to do — even if some of these are more fantasy-oriented than sci-fi. Who’s to quibble?
Of course, I had to order some myself to test them out, though I proudly refrained from getting one of every kind. The tubes and labels are worth it by themselves — some are particularly well done. The smells are also pretty fantastic. Second Breakfast smells like french toast, Patronus smells like chocolate mint, and Goblin King’s Gift smells like peaches and cream. But they don’t really taste like anything. In the product description, the creator explains that the balms are scented to “trick your brain into thinking you are tasting the flavor when you are actually smelling it,” which allows her to avoid using artificial sweeteners. Indeed, they seem to be made from natural, non-petroleum-based ingredients such as castor oil and beeswax. And they’re hearty — you know how some chapstick doesn’t really seem to, well, stick? This stuff is the real deal. I haven’t had to reapply for the entire time I’ve been writing this post. Seriously, that’s like magic. Or sufficiently advanced technology.
I don’t know if GeekFireLabs would take requests, but I was thinking of other good sci-fi inspired flavors. A sulfurous Mordor-inspired one to give people you don’t like would be fun. Or maybe a hair-covered Tribble option. Or maybe a spherical tube shaped like the Death Star?
Now that I’ve written this post, I think it’s time to pay another visit to Lip Balm Anonymous, a site that takes chapstick addiction very seriously and identifies all those harmful synthetic ingredients that comprise most of the chapsticks out there. I think they’d appreciate these all-natural balms. I wonder if GeekFireLabs’ business model included a Venn Diagram of the overlap of sci-fi geeks and chapstick addicts. Add to that the number of people who would be interested in making a gun out of their chapstick, and fortune and glory are assured.