Considering how surreal some of the beliefs of Scientology are, I wouldn’t be surprised if you told me a Scientologist nuclear bunker would be nothing more than a wide-open space, or perhaps just a state of mind, where the soul’s vibrations spell out the word “bunker” in Morse code. But it turns out there really is a nuke-proof Scientology bunker … allegedly.
Award-winning Scientology naysayer and investigative journalist John Sweeney, currently on the BBC’s Panorama, has reportedly told U.K. paper The Sun that he found the secret alien space cathedral hidden deep in the desert, near New Mexico’s Mesa Herfanita, some 300 miles away from Roswell. Can a coincidence be a conspiracy? Oh, I think so. Sweeney was accompanied in his hunt by ex-Scientologist Marc Headley, who says he was counselled by Tom Cruise and physically assaulted by church leader David Miscavige. As you might imagine, both accounts were denied by the church.
The bunker itself was supposedly built in the 1980s, to the tune of millions, equipped with three 5,000 lb steel airlocks, making it safe from nuclear weapons. Within the vault walls, the gold disc gospels of L. Ron Hubbard are kept locked in titanium caskets, sealed with argon. The purpose being to keep them salvageable for anyone returning to Earth after humans wipe each other out in warfare. Or from food allergies or whatever.
Assume you are, in fact, a “Clear” — the high-ranking Scientologists who pay over $50,000 for therapy sessions to allow freedom from pain and anxieties — and assuming you’d spiritually made it off of the Earth before or during this Armageddon, how could you possibly find your way back to recover your leader’s teachings? Well, when you’re flying overhead in your spaceship, just look down and you’ll see the zigzag road at the end of the private airway, ending in two giant circles with diamonds in their center. The comparisons I could make to stripper tits…
Has my stance toward this money-grubbing “religion” been fully shared yet? To blow smoke under some of this story’s aspects, The Sun, despite its legacy and awards, is a tabloid decked out in a dress and high heels. It hasn’t thrived without some controversies. And Sweeney himself is releasing The Church of Fear — Inside the Weird World of Scientology this week, so everything comes with a grain of salt, or desert sand. But you really can find this photo on GoogleEarth by searching for “Mesa Huerfanita.” Draw your own conclusions from there.