Best Apology Ever: Tabloid Says Sorry To Aliens For Linking Them To Scientology

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UFOLast week British tabloid The Sun ran a report of UFOs hovering over the headquarters of the British Church of Scientology. Known to be a rather litigious sort, the Church’s legal department demanded an apology from the paper, which it subsequently received. There was, however, a bit of a twist to this particular act of contrition. Instead of a traditional “Hey we screwed up, our bad,” the publication instead directed their apology to the aliens. After all, you don’t want to offend the extraterrestrials. If movies have taught us anything, it’s that they more often than not have the technology to blast us into kingdom come. Better not to piss them off.

The short retraction makes it obvious the act was in response to threatened legal action, and concludes with the line, “Following a letter from lawyers for the Church, we apologise to any alien lifeforms for linking them to Scientologists.”

Brilliant. This is how you apologize when someone uses legal means to force your hand. We’ll see how long it takes the legal team to contact The Sun again, especially since it’s easier to win a libel suit in Britain than in the US, but for now, this is pretty damn funny.


Does It Matter If After Earth Is Or Isn’t A Scientology Film?

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This past weekend drove yet another theoretical nail into the coffin of M. Night Shyamalan’s career, as his sci-fi adventure After Earth drew the ire of critics everywhere and took in only $27 million, which is the lowest opening for a Will Smith summer blockbuster in 20 years. There’s no doubt Shyamalan will keep on making movies, but I have serious doubts that his budgets are going to remain above $100 million. Unless of course the Scientologists are paying for it.

The Hollywood Reporter is responsible for one of the strangest film reviews I’ve seen in a while, allowing former Scientologist Mark Headley to give his take on After Earth. And guess what, you guys? He found a lot of Scientology in it! Holy shit! Now, I’ve read some of Headley’s stuff in the past, and he’s a highly intelligent guy who got roped into a strange group of believers, and he’s admirably spent his post-Scientology life trying to inform others of its bullshittiness. That said, why is this guy writing a movie review for a major publication that shouldn’t have any agendas behind anything it puts out to the public? Moreover, does what he says even matter?


Famed Scientology Bunker Allegedly Found In Desert

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Considering how surreal some of the beliefs of Scientology are, I wouldn’t be surprised if you told me a Scientologist nuclear bunker would be nothing more than a wide-open space, or perhaps just a state of mind, where the soul’s vibrations spell out the word “bunker” in Morse code. But it turns out there really is a nuke-proof Scientology bunker … allegedly.

Award-winning Scientology naysayer and investigative journalist John Sweeney, currently on the BBC’s Panorama, has reportedly told U.K. paper The Sun that he found the secret alien space cathedral hidden deep in the desert, near New Mexico’s Mesa Herfanita, some 300 miles away from Roswell. Can a coincidence be a conspiracy? Oh, I think so. Sweeney was accompanied in his hunt by ex-Scientologist Marc Headley, who says he was counselled by Tom Cruise and physically assaulted by church leader David Miscavige. As you might imagine, both accounts were denied by the church.

The bunker itself was supposedly built in the 1980s, to the tune of millions, equipped with three 5,000 lb steel airlocks, making it safe from nuclear weapons. Within the vault walls, the gold disc gospels of L. Ron Hubbard are kept locked in titanium caskets, sealed with argon. The purpose being to keep them salvageable for anyone returning to Earth after humans wipe each other out in warfare. Or from food allergies or whatever.