The Star Wars Cannibal Jedi That Is Actually Canon

The song starts out as advice for young Jedi. Remember the Jedi that came before you, do things that bring people hope, etc. The second verse quickly devolves into madness with the line, “At the end of all your days, one Jedi waits for you, with the dust of Jedi bones piled high like parsnips on his plate.”

Next comes the absolutely gruesome clarification that the young padawan is free to keep all their “soft parts” because the Jedi-eater only eats bones. After all, “It’s the bones that have the calcium,,” or so the Jedi says. So Star Wars’ first-ever Jedi cannibal is apparently a picky eater. Who knew?

To add insult to injury, Darnielle states that the man-eating Jedi’s “long feast” will be filmed on high-resolution cameras for everyone to see. Apparently, it’s not enough for Star Wars to have a force-wielding cannibal, he also has to be an influencer. Believe it or not, that’s not the worst part of the song.

The last verse of “The Ultimate Jedi Who Wastes All the Other Jedi and Eats Their Bones” implores the young Jedi being sung not to worry about the horrific death that awaits them or “the fire” in which their “flesh must burn.” Wait, wait, where did the fire come from? Do all Jedi go to hell when they die? Does Star Wars even have hell, and if they do, is it run by this sicko cannibal, or does he just hang out there?

The song’s narrator continues by saying, “All the Jedi from all the planets in this putrid universe get eaten by this last one, and now it’s your turn.” Yikes! Darnielle ends the morbid song with the word “bones” repeated over and over again.

You can listen to the darkly comical song on YouTube, and we highly recommend that you do. The idea of an immortal, bone-eating Jedi may not have been something fans wanted from Star Wars, but trust us, once you hear it, you’ll realize that a cannibal Jedi is exactly what the franchise was missing.

And we weren’t kidding when we said it was canon. Rian Johnson himself stated on Twitter, “So The Mountain Goats and I were joking around, one thing led to another, he recorded this song, and now it’s canon. One could obviously argue that Johnson doesn’t have the authority to dub anything outside of The Last Jedi canon or non-canon in the Star Wars universe, but we disagree. If we as a society have reached a place where a Tweet can dictate official US policy, then surely it can establish Star Wars canon—a much less serious subject.

While Disney has yet to announce any official Star Wars projects featuring the eternal Jedi cannibal, we know it’s only a matter of time before he shows up in a comic book somewhere or an obscure visual dictionary. After all, “The Ultimate Jedi Who Wastes All the Other Jedi And Eats Their Bones” must be fed, and those bones have to come from somewhere.