The marketing campaign for The Social Network taught us that you don’t get to 500 million friends without making a few enemies. Similarly, you don’t get to a $750 million worldwide box office without somebody greenlighting a porn parody of you. Such is the fate of Guardians of the Galaxy, which will enter a club of previously pornified genre favorites such as Doctor Who (Doctor Whore), Game of Thrones (Game of Bones), and oh-sweet-mercy-my-eyes the Simpsons porn. Try not to prematurely order when I tell you this epic piece of cinema will be entitled Gnardians of the Galaxy: 50 Shades of Groot.
And thus, in one fell swoop, did 50 Shades of Grey justify its existence.
50 Shades of Groot will burst into existence courtesy of the hard-working men and women of WoodRocket (NSFW — like, at all), and the fact that it’s called WoodRocket and it’s making a Guardians of the Galaxy porn parody is so perfect that I want to cry. Also, if there isn’t an even-filthier version of this shot somewhere in the movie, I will eat my hat. And I don’t even own a hat. I will buy a hat just so I can eat it.
I have so many questions. Just how much more phallic can Ronan’s “giant hammer” become? Will they finally bring a blacklight into Star-Lord’s ship? Will they come up with a better porn name for Rocket than Pocket Rocket? I don’t even want to think about how Rocket’s love for comically enormous weaponry will transfer over into the porn world. Also, is sex with a mutilated space raccoon going to be a bridge too far for today’s discerning porn connoisseur?
Here’s the stellar press release from WoodRocket:
Prepare to spread your orbs, whip out your infinity stones, and get hooked on a feeling, because WoodRocket.com is going into production on the Guardians of the Galaxy adult parody, Gnardians of the Galaxy: 50 Shades of Groot.
Being brought to you by the website that gave you Bob’s Boners, Game of Bones, and Orgy of Bill Murrays, Gnardians of the Galaxy: 50 Shades of Groot is looking like it could be the most entertaining genital-filled super hero team sex spoof of all time!
Well, there’s the inevitable “hooked on a feeling” joke, one that I’m kind of irritated I didn’t come up with on my own before reading it. But I also love the fact that they wait just one damn second there did they just say “Orgy of Bill Murrays”?
Orgy. Of Bill Murrays.
That’s either one hell of a great name for a band or the new official collective term for more than one Bill Murray. Perhaps both.
Where were we? I’ve lost my rhythm.
Oh right, “genital-filled super hero team sex spoof.”
In honor of James Gunn’s Marvel movie masterpiece becoming the highest grossing film of 2014 domestically, and the recent announcement of the upcoming sequel, WoodRocket.com knew that now was the time to begin work on showing the world what real space genitals should look like.
Given that James Gunn’s resume includes a series of shorts (heh) called PG Porn, I’m sure he must be very proud.
There’s no word when 50 Shades of Groot might release, but I’m sure it’ll come sometime after it reaches completion. In the meantime, here is perhaps my favorite quote I’ve ever run on this website:
Gnardians of the Galaxy: 50 Shades of Groot will be written & directed by Lee Roy Myers. ‘I think that Guardians of the Galaxy is one of the greatest super hero movies of all time. I am very excited to add penetration,’ says Myers.
Yep, that’s it. That’s the apex of my career. Time for me to shut the lights off and lock up. It’s been fun.