Scientifically Accurate Ninja Turtles Are Disappointments In A Half Shell

By Nick Venable | Published

This article is more than 2 years old

Anytime something boasts a “scientifically accurate” look at something, you know it’s going to be dirty. So this is your NSFW warning.

Now that Michael Bay is insisting¬†that those horrible rumors about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot aren’t true, we can now sit back and wonder about the differences between the fictional Ninja Turtles and real-life turtles. I tell you, Mondays are usually the bad days, but this one is an informative one. It’s Wednesday? Hmm. So it is.

Fox’s upcoming Animation Domination High Def (cleverly titled ADH…something) will take over Saturday nights starting July 27th, but they’ve been good about releasing teasers through their YouTube page. Their latest video, “Scientifically Accurate Ninja Turtles,” is very close to their “Scientifically Accurate Spider-Man” parody in terms of subject matter and approach. And sense of humor. And a proliferation of penis jokes. But hey, it’s funny!

While we’re on the subject of penises — not literally on them but talking about them — I don’t think I’d ever learned that particular fact about the little green guys. I’m pretty sure I knew they were deaf, and I’m pretty sure that I knew April O’Neil was a disease-ridden beastophile, but I didn’t know that about turtle penises. Also, I’m pretty sure the only reason they didn’t want anything to do with that pizza is because it was cold. Turtles. Love. Pizza.

Below is their Spider-Man parody, which is just as quick to show Peter’s Porker, so it’s similarly unsafe for work.