Global Warming Save Us! Captain Planet Movie Is In The Works

By Nick Venable | Published

This article is more than 2 years old

PlanetWhen I started writing for this website, I was encouraged by all of the original science fiction projects that get acquired by Hollywood studios on a regular basis. Hearing about constant remakes like Total Recall and Weird Science is quite disheartening, given the vast amount of subject matter that sci-fi allows for. So goddammit, why is Captain Planet getting his own movie?

Crap, I let the dying unworthy cat out of the bag too early. Ahem. Sony Pictures is in final negotiations to acquire the rights to the beloved 1990s animated series Captain Planet and the Planeteers. Wait, did I say “beloved?” I meant to say “awful, patronizing, and awful again.” The adaptation will be produced by Mark Gordon, Don Murphy, and Susan Montford, all of whom are clearly sadists.

Murphy and Montford were behind a live-action series that was supposed to air on Cartoon Network some years back, but it stayed earthed. A feature was tossed around in the late ’90s, but it didn’t get further than the script. I can’t imagine why. Because I’d rather spend my imagination on better things. Such as puppy torture.

If it hasn’t been made clear already, I really hated Captain Planet, not because of its subject matter and themes, but because of the stock approach to storytelling and shitty-looking animation. I also didn’t like getting moral lessons with my Saturday-morning cartoons.

You guys remember the plot, right? Five seemingly ordinary, ethnically diverse teenagers were each given a ring that gave them control over the four planetary elements — Earth, Wind, Water, and Fire — along with Heart, because…well, they needed telepathy I guess. When the teens combine their powers, Captain Planet appears out of the ether, ready to kick some rootin’ pollutin’ asses. The show boasted quite a few notable voices — LeVar Burton was Kwame, the African — and most of them played the bad guys. Jeff Goldblum, Meg Ryan, Sting, James Coburn, and Martin Sheen are some of the more popular actors who lent their vocal talents, and hopefully this feature can attract a similarly solid cast.

Let’s just get it out there, though. If Don Cheadle reprised his role from the Funny or Die skits, I would be in the theater before anyone else. Even the fan-made trailer would be okay. But if it resembles that crap-ass cartoon in even the slightest way, I hope Captain Planet chokes to death on that cloud of bacteria surrounding the Earth.

My apologies to anyone who actually did adore this series when it aired. I’m not apologizing for hating it so much. I’m just sorry that you have such bad taste. Go Planet!