Corey Feldman’s Imagination Casts Corey Feldman As Han Solo, Jr. In Episode VII

By Nick Venable | Published

This article is more than 2 years old

When considering actors whose are largely defined by a single role, especially when that one role is discernible for being their only popular role, I can’t think of any better example than Mark Hamill, who seemed to be destined to be a one-role wonder until his resurgence as a wonderful voiceover actor in the ’90s. Conversely, when I think about someone who is marginally famous for a few sub-noteworthy roles instead of anything insanely memorable, my mind reluctantly drifts to Corey Feldman, who has clearly created a larger deep end to jump into after falling off of the current deep end.

In a recent interview, Feldman showed much interest in taking on the role of Han Solo, Jr. for 2015’s Episode VII. Like Robert Pattinson’s Jar Jar Binks interest, this is a concept that has no base in reality, since no aspect of the story, or original character’s offspring, is public knowledge. Also, both of those are terribly shitty ideas to almost anyone with any vested interest and (new) hope in where the franchise will go. Pattinson, while unproven as an actor, but not necessarily a Star Wars actor, nearly gets a pass just because of his relative freshness [And likely smartass-itude – Ed.]. But Corey Feldman’s adult career is notable for little else besides a voice that is increasingly sounding like Christian Slater’s death rattle.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t be vexated by his every scene, should it ever exist. I’m just saying…this isn’t even news. As such, here are a few Feldmanisms from that interview that magically transport readers to a time long ago, in a galaxy that looks like Santa Clara, CA.

But what I would like to see in the development of those next three movies is that they bring back all of the original characters, as they are still alive. And you can make them the older generation…I would certainly like to be a part of that new young brigade that they are going to bring forward.

Though he does sound like an eager beaver 12-year old in that first part, he’d actually be 10 years older than Ford was as Solo when the first film was released. I mean, I’m not taking anything away from anyone, but I think the “young brigade” would be too busy laughing into their friends’ shoulders to consider his application.

I think Harrison Ford’s son is a really great idea, actually. Fans have always said that I would make a great Indiana Jones, a great Young Indiana Jones. We look very similar, we have the same type of bravado. The same character persona with the whole Edgar Frog thing.

He clearly doesn’t just want to be the fictional Han Solo’s son. Freudian slip, perhaps? I’m not saying it’s not true, but I’m saying I could listen in on a billion randomly chosen conversations involving Indiana Jones, and not one of them would contain a Corey Feldman, much less an Edgar Frog comparison. That said, I would have chosen him over Shia LaBeouf any day, especially in hindsight.

I do believe that belief is the most powerful thing we have in this world.

Nuclear weapons. Moving on to the lightning round.

I am going to really send a lot of positive energy to…Let’s get Corey in the new Star Wars movie…

Unless he’s C-3PO, and Corey Haim’s corpse is R2D2, this shouldn’t have much going for it.

…[lets] get Corey back as Donatello in Ninja Turtles with Michael Bay…

The only reason I don’t have a bigger problem with this is because his face would be obscured, but then I would remember that Donatello is the smart one.

…and [lets] get Corey back to reprise his role as Tommy Jarvis, to make the fan anticipated sequel, above all, Friday the 13th Part XIII: Jason Vs. Jarvis in 3D.

I would donate seven dollars to this Kickstarter fund if it ever got started. You know how I feel about The Feldmeister going second Solo. How do you feel, world at large?

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