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Deadheaded Oregon Middle School Cancels Zombie Survival Class

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Zombies

This just in: not only is the American education system lacking the funds it needs to actually educate America, but apparently some people within said system don’t care if we all get eaten by zombies. Or at the very least, they don’t care if we know how to avoid getting eaten up. Or that evolution exists, but that’s for other stories.

The Mermiston School District in northeast Oregon announced that a “zombie survival skills” class Armand Larive Middle School was offering has been declared “officially deader than fucking doornails, which this school has also removed for safety purposes.” (That isn’t a real quote.)

Superintendent Fred Maiocco was apparently unaware that a school in his district used zombie survival as an extra-curricular activity, and only found out about it when he read about how popular it was, saying he “couldn’t believe that would actually be a class.”

It will be replaced with an “exploratory reading” class, which is good and all, but I’m sure some of those kids are really disappointed that hands-on outdoor activities will be replaced by a book-holding voyage of the imagination. The least they could do is let them read The Walking Dead, iZombie, and Alpha Girl comic books in between the school reading list items.

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Kids Learn Zombie Survival Skills for Cedar Rapids Camp

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Guts

In the ways that The Walking Dead comic and TV show have influenced pop culture, much of it has to do with re-legitimizing the decades-old zombie genre that hundreds of filmmakers and storytellers continue to cheapen by going for guts instead of glory. But you know one way in which all those terrible B-movies and lifeless novels are better than The Walking Dead? They didn’t give us one of the most credibly annoying children in popular fiction: Carl goddamned Grimes.

Cedar Rapids, Iowa wants to breed an entire army of Carls to brood pre-pubescently in their four-gallon hats by holding a zombie survival camp through the end of the month at the Ushers Ferry Historic Village. This admittedly fun-sounding event is taking kids ages 8-12 and giving them the skills they need to prepare emergency survival kits, to build shelters, and to find their way through the wilderness. So it’s like Boy Scouts without all the bigotry and merit badges. I wonder if they spike up the suspense factor by having a real-life murderer stand in for a zombie chasing them through the wilderness. Or maybe some killer bees at least.

The camp will culminate on the last day in a Humans vs. Zombies water gun war that should test most of the kids’ newly learned skills. The chances are high that almost any kid doing this is going to be less annoying than Carl, so maybe I’m just projecting my jealousy on the good Parks and Recreations Department of Cedar Rapids. Ron Swanson would be proud.

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In the Flesh PSA Imparts A Lesson In Weaponry

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With the world taken over by zombie-related media, the small sub-genre of how-to guides on coping with zombies has become its own thing. It culminated almost immediately with Max Brooks’ brilliant The Zombie Survival Guide, but it’s still a driving force for writers who don’t mind repeating what others have already written.

The upcoming BBC Three “rehabilitated zombies” series In the Flesh has been using a clever series of animated service announcements advising citizens on how to properly react in the current state of zombie assimilation. The third and final video is out now, and is the most informative of the bunch. Whereas the first video warned against approaching zombies and to report them to authorities, and the second was mostly an informative lesson in zombie facts, this third video gets down to the nitty-gritty survival instinct of kill or be killed. And in this case, you get style points for improvising. Check out the video below, and wonder what happened to the woman’s soothing voiceover. I miss her already.

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Repel The Undead With Anti-Zombie Perfume

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Zombie

I’m not saying everything that happens in zombie fiction is true or anything, but it seems pretty clear that a lot of rash decision making will have to be made on a regular basis. Just in case it becomes clear that zombies do indeed use their olfactory powers in order to differentiate between us and them, you’ll want to have something on hand to thwart and confuse them. And what you’re wanting, Demeter Fragrance Library is selling.

For a limited time, until April 30th, you can visit Demeter Fragrances and order your very own bottle of Zombie For Him and For Her, which can “make the dead simply pass by without offending.” Get one ounce for $20, or four ounces for $40. Assuming you’re into stockpiling fragrances you’ll never have any need for beyond kitsch value, that’s a corpse-raising steal!

Demeter is no stranger to eccentric and exotic aromas, having already introduced products that smell like banana flambee, whiskey tobacco, cannabis flower, and espresso. But the concoction created for that particular zombie flavor is still rather surprising and disgusting. The male version, for which you should “think forest floor,” is made from dried leaves, mushrooms, mildew, moss, and earth. For her, there is a lighter version of the men’s that includes a touch of dregs scraped from a wine barrel, “for that feminine touch.”

I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be turning these zombies on or off anymore. This whole apocalypse thing has my head scrambled. Perhaps I’ll waste the rest of my existence huffing away at some of Demeter’s other choices, like vinyl, thunderstorm, paperback, or pruning shears.

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Interactive Zombie Art Is The Most Impressive Thing You’ll See All Year

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It isn’t often that I say, “This is the coolest fucking thing I’ve ever seen,” because I don’t go to Hall and Oates shows often. (Waits for the hilarity to die down.) But seriously guys, I’m pretty sure nothing I’ll visually experience in my life from this point on will ever amaze and delight me as much as I have been for the last half hour, and that’s only chipping a pebble off a mountain.

San Francisco artist George Pfau is a maestro when it comes to zombies, details, and wowing the shit out of people, with years of lecturing, exhibitions, and publications behind him. His latest project, the Zombie Index, is the kind of thing it takes some people a lifetime to achieve, and Pfau is only 30. The Zombie Index, if one can summarize such a thing, is a meticulously detailed doodle painting of thousands of current zombies, future zombies, and other forms of batshittery, all caught in the heat of many different moments. (Orgies and murder!) The image below can give you a sense of the Zombie Index’s scale, but click through to the zoomable, interactive version for the real fun.

00-ZIX-Index-full

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Zombies Invade Montana, Warns Official Emergency Broadcast

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Though the synthetic drug “bath salts” is still a problem among people who never had a stoner uncle tell them, “If it don’t grow, just say no,” their 15 minutes of national fame appear to have ended, taking with them an instant correlation with hungry hordes of zombies roaming suburban America. Either the citizens of Great Falls, Montana got over that hype quicker than everyone else, or they must be scholars of Aesop’s “The Boy Who Cried Wolf,” because apparently nothing rattles them.

On Monday, Great Falls’ CBS affiliate KRTV had their on-air telecast interrupted by a message from the Emergency Broadcast System, but instead of tornadoes or floods, the message warned of ongoing zombie attacks! It was definitely not a test, but it wasn’t exactly true either. The usual list of affected counties and areas scrolled across the top of the screen, but then a digitally altered voice popped up, warning, “Civil authorities in your area have reported that the bodies of the dead are rising from their graves and attacking the living,” in between other warnings against approaching the undead, due to their being dangerous. Even if a zombie had a Greenpeace uniform on and was holding a giant lollipop, I wouldn’t confront it. Watch the video below, and remember that none of it is real.