Iran made the news today, but thankfully not for their nuclear program or economic sanctions. Today Middle Eastern nation announced that it successfully launched a monkey into space for the second time, and that the monkey has returned home safe and sound. Phew. I’d hate to think of that monkey trying to fly a Soyuz capsule.

According to the Islamic Republic News Agency (IRNA), Iran launched Fargam, a monkey named for the Farsi word for “auspicious,” into space to celebrate the country’s Research Week. Fargam took a 75-mile ride into space and came back within 15 minutes. And he didn’t have to pay $250,000 for a seat.

First, a dirty joke. Little Johnny’s first grade class was playing the alphabet game. For “A,” the teacher chose Little Suzy, whose answer, “Apple,” won a gold star. For “B,” she chose Little Bobby, and “Basketball,” got him a star, too. When Little Johnny’s hand shot up for the letter “R,” she hesitated. Unable to recall any corresponding curse words or body parts, she called on Little Johnny, who said, “Rats! Big fuckin’ rats! With dicks three feet long!”

And now let’s jump into modified evolution telling a dirty joke. Rats, big fuckin’ rats, with genitalia of unspecified size, have reportedly overrun around 26 districts within the Iranian capital of Tehran. The rats have been driven out of their subterranean homes by melting snows, making an already-existing rat problem far worse. How much worse? The situation has gotten so ridiculous, they’ve allegedly had to call in sniper teams armed with infra-red sighted rifles to take care of the problem, which includes the rats getting into restaurants, backyards, and public waste containers. Let the gravity of this next sentence sink in: the rats have jumped from 60 grams all the way to five kilos, octomaplying in size.

Rodents of unusual size