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Arctic Blast Is The Worst Movie You’ll Ever Love: Nick’s Giant Freakin’ Queue Review

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arctic worldNick’s Giant Freakin’ Queue Review would like to prematurely apologize to anyone who ends up watching this film based on this review. Also, we’re accepting pats on the back and cash prizes. Because even though Brian Trenchard-Smith’s Arctic Blast is one of the biggest pieces of shit I’ve seen in quite some time, it’s also unending in the amount of unintentional hilarity it offers up to viewers brave enough to freeze up their disbelief. Go ahead and watch the trailer now, just so you’ll have some notion of the depthless endeavor that sitting through this entire movie really is.

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Kaboom: Nick’s Giant Freakin’ Queue Review

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KaboomA film like Kaboom is rather hard to explain in mere words without getting sucked into a cycle of shrugging and shaking of the head. I’m a fan of director Gregg Araki’s dramatic work in the past, including such films as Nowhere, Mysterious Skin, and The Doom Generation. I’m not sure how the same person who made those films also created Kaboom, other than the overtly gay material therein. I didn’t even realize that he was the guy who directed the severely unfunny 2007 stoner comedy Smiley Face. And I’d prefer to continue not realizing that, because Kaboom‘s comedy is its strong suit.

I’m not so sure I’d ever refer to it as science fiction, however, although the first 10 websites I landed on described the movie as such. What it all boils down to is sex of all kinds wrapped up in a plot designed to add tension and mystery to give the sex subtext and plot development. The end of the world is nigh, or is it? Do you guys remember a little movie called Donnie Darko? Well, the same way that film was mispromoted as a horror movie is akin to Kaboom being marketed as a sci-fi comedy. Also, James Duval — Frank in Donnie Darko — plays a character called The Messiah, and the opposing force here are people wearing animal masks. No talk of Smurf sex lives here, though. Just the sex lives of everything else.

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Doomsday Book: Nick’s Giant Freakin’ Queue Review

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boom

After a week off to consume the different but spectacular return of Arrested Development, the Giant Freakin’ Queue is back with a satirical three-sided dropkick to the human condition in the form of Doomsday Book, a 2012 anthology film from South Korean directors Kim Ji-woon and Yim Pil-sung. It’s our first foreign film and definitely won’t be our last, but I might have to take some kind of an anti-depressant before the next one.

The three stories told here are absurdist cautionary tales, and contain some stunning imagery, nifty special effects, cerebral subtext, and black-as-coal humor, sometimes all within the same scene. Each segment is related to the others in tone and purpose, but the starkly different subject matter makes speaking about the film as a whole more difficult. So let’s look at each part separately.

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Altered: Nick’s Giant Freakin’ Queue Review

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So many science fiction movies centered on an alien in our midst make the threat far too widespread. If the entire world is at stake, it’s harder to develop a personal connection with any of the characters. I won’t even mention 2012 examples of the kind of movie I’m talking about. An indie film will usually do the opposite, focusing more on character than special effects. Eduardo Sanchez’ 2006 thriller Altered doesn’t really do either of those things, but still manages to fill its 88-minute runtime with enough basic storytelling skills to keep a viewer interested. At least, a viewer that isn’t immediately nauseated by unsympathetic rednecks yelling a lot.

altered

“I keep a shotgun in my mullet, and a .45 in my mullet’s mullet.”