Hell Yes: Kirk & Spock
Obviously there’s no shortage of possibilities when it comes to the combination of time travel and Star Trek, but our ideal scenario would be getting to tag along during Star Trek IV. It’s easily the most fun of all the Trek movies, and even the villain who’s wreaking havoc in the future is just an adorable whale probe in search of a humpback to high five. But forget all that, because the main attraction here is the ’80s! They’re far enough away now to be lodged squarely in the nostalgia zone for my generation, and even though Kirk, Spock, and the rest of the Enterprise crew were technically trying to save the future, the whole thing basically plays out as a light-hearted vacation romp. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are at their most banter-y, and you might get to help infiltrate a nuclear wessel or scare the piss out of some whalers. Just remember, if anybody asks, you love Italian.
Hell No: Donnie Darko
As much as we’d happily slingshot around the sun with Kirk and Spock, not every voyage into the 1980s is created equal. Don’t get me wrong, I still quite like Donnie Darko as a movie (so long as it’s not the director’s cut), and it’s got a great soundtrack, but actually having to spend a time jaunt hanging out with Donnie himself? Thanks but no. You’d be all like, “This is amazing, we traveled back in time! And also your little sister is gonna be Samara from The Ring!” And he’d be all like, “Every living creature dies alone.” Well, thanks so much for that, Captain Letdown. Don’t you have a pedophile to expose or something? While you and the freaky rabbit try to out-emo each other, I’m gonna take Jenna Malone and Drew Barrymore out for ice cream, and I bet the bleak inevitability of death doesn’t come up even once in our conversations. Okay, okay, maybe I’m being little harsh. I realize you’re stuck in a time loop that will eventually end with you sharing a bed with a detached jet engine, and that’s got to be a sobering thing to face. Still, you do apparently have super powers of some sort for the moment, so let’s figure out something we can do to help cheer you up. What are your feelings about flooding a school?