William Riker Sits Crotch First, Dammit

By David Wharton | 7 years ago

Have you ever noticed something that completely changes the nature of whatever it is you were looking at? Maybe you’ve learned how a magic trick works, and any future iteration of that trick is robbed of its wonder and reduced to simple pageantry and misdirection. Personal example: The Ring creeped the hell out of me back in 2002, but it took on a whole new surreal patina once I realized years later that the girl playing Samara was Donnie Darko’s Sparkle Motion-dancing little sister, Samatha (Daveigh Chase). Well, the video above is here to bring you yet another thing that you cannot unsee. Namely, Star Trek: The Next Generation‘s Commander William Riker always sits crotch first.

Riker’s chair-mounting crotch-vault raises many questions. Was it a conscious performance detail on the part of actor Jonathan Frakes, a subtle way of emphasizing Riker’s masculinity and bravado? Is it just something that Frakes does himself in his private life? Do those chairs feel the need for a cigarette afterwards?

The true meaning of Riker’s audacious approach to sitting will probably always elude us, simply because it’s too much sheer manliness for any of us to bear. Were I to truly fathom its secrets, I have no doubt my voice would drop three octaves before I exploded in a cloud of testosterone, facial hair, and single-barrel bourbon. Probably all accompanied by a trombone solo.

So, why can’t Will Riker just sit down like a normal human being?

[punches you in the face, lights up a Cuban cigar]

That’s why.

Or it could just be because of a bad back, but where’s the fun in that?

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