Eight Things We (Sorta) Hope Are Blocking The World’s Biggest Subterranean Drill

By Nick Venable | 7 years ago

BerthaThe Earth is truly a wonderful place, with many natural mysteries that tend to be more interesting than the plethora of faux mysteries concocted to bilk people’s belief systems and pocketbooks. We know that Area 51 is just an unofficial name for a U.S. air base, that the Bermuda Triangle isn’t responsible for supernatural disappearances, and that there are no gateways to Hell anywhere on the planet. But they’re all still interesting to consider, and the latest WTF occurrence involves a giant something-or-other known only as “The Object”, which is lying at least 50 feet beneath the surface of Seattle, Washington. It’s blocking the tunneling drill, “Bertha,” from continuing the underground highway its been making way for. We reportedly won’t know what The Object is until after the first of the year, so we thought it would be a great time to start a few conspiracy theories of our own as to what could be down there.

godzilla
Godzilla
I mean, it’s gotta be Godzilla, right? He obviously swam his way through the Pacific Ocean after being driven out of Japan and burrowed his way beneath the ground in Seattle, waiting for his chance to make the city collapse upon itself so he can reign atop the rubble, using the Seattle Seahawks’ CenturyLink Field as a toilet. We’re not sure if it will happen before or after the release of Gareth Evans’ upcoming blockbuster, but everyone would be wise to head to Academy and demand they begin selling anti-giant-lizard equipment.

For those curious about that hipster Mothra’s whereabouts, I can only say that the citizens of Portland should be very afraid.

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