WARNING! The following clip features the original ending to the 1990 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film. Though it doesn’t end in any major character’s death or anything, it’s still quite tragic, and forced my inner child to stick its head in an oven and set the temperature to groan-hundred degrees.
Thanks (or no thanks) to the guys at SlashFilm for cluing us into this video, which would have reached hero status if it committed suicide before anyone aside from producers laid eyes on it. Let’s discuss everything wrong with this clip.
First, the quality is atrocious, but that is forgiven since the film was made 23 years ago. Since this isn’t finalized footage, there is no music or sound effects, nor have the Turtles actual voices been added in ADR. Basically these guys are just going through the motions as if they’re actually excited about having just defeated Shredder. And there’s a weird doubling of the voice when some of them talk, so it kind of sounds like they’ve been possessed by Pazuzu. One even sounds a little mentally disabled when saying, “Totally tubular, dude.” None of these actors have the voiceover chops of Corey Feldman (who voiced Donatello), and that’s saying something.
So anyway, Splinter gets his laugh and the Turtles all go in for their non-connecting high fives…
And after a bunch of “hoohas” and “doobadas,” we flip to April and hoodlum dipshit Danny trying to sell off the idea of the Ninja Turtles as a comic book. It takes a full minute to get to the point, since no one really says anything. I understand why this is supposed to be funny, because the Turtles actually were a comic book originally, but by promoting themselves in such a way, it renders useless their entire approach to secrecy and staying far below the radar. Splinter would beat the shit out of April if he knew she was trying to pull this off.
Meanwhile, all four Turtles are hanging off the side of a fucking skyscraper, listening in as the comic idea gets shot down. Though the windows are closed, they can clearly hear the guy say it’s too farfetched, at which point Michelangelo falls to what may be his untimely death, and April and Danny start laughing like inbred loons. To complete this absolute mess, Michelangelo ninja kicks the fourth wall, and talks to the camera directly. He doesn’t even have the courtesy to use one of the gang’s readily available catchphrases, saying “Sheesh,” in his most Charlie Brownish voice. This is some Turtles III business, and has no business in a classy film like this.
Despite all contrary notions, I can’t help but believe that the upcoming Michael Bay-produced remake (with its white Shredder) is going to be worse than the above clip. Let’s showcase some real quality now, with the Partners in Kryme classic, “T.U.R.T.L.E. Power,” which played over the original film’s credits.