This whole Benedict Cumberbatch/Star Trek Into Darkness thing is wearing me out. As bloggers obsessed with/focused on the science fiction genre, it’s our job to try and figure out things such as “Who the hell is Cumberbatch playing?” But each new bit of info that leaks out seems to strengthen some theories while weakening other possibilities…but never enough to actually make a confident guess. Well, we’ve had enough of figuring the odds on all the usual suspects. Who’s to say Abrams, Kurtzman, and Orci aren’t digging into the deep cuts to pick out their new villain? Keep in mind, we don’t actually know for a fact that Cumberbatch’s character is from the Original Series, only that he’s a canon character…so that could include any of the TV spinoff series as well.
So you can keep your Khans and your Gary Mitchells, and good riddance to them! We’re going straight to the D-list to see who Cumberbatch might really be playing. And if these sound ridiculous, just remember…that’s what they want you to think.
Oh sure, you counter that Benedict Cumberbatch is clearly a six-foot British man, rather than a silicon-based lifeform that strongly resembles a large pile of dog vomit with curtain tassels stapled around the base. But this is the new Trek universe, baby! Up is down, black is white, and Vulcan is a navigation hazard! Who’s to say that in this universe hortas didn’t evolve the ability to take on the form of tall British men? Besides, it would give them an excuse to play this during the end credits.
V’Ger And/Or The Whale Probe
Sure, based on the original Trek timeline, the Enterprise crew shouldn’t be encountering V’Ger or the Whale Probe from Star Trek IV until Chris Pine and company are sliding into middle age. Also, Cumberbatch appears humanoid in all the set pictures, but that could just be a placeholder so they can replace him with a massive cloud concealing a wayward, upgraded Voyager craft, or a phallic probe that wants to show Earth’s surviving humpback whales all its vacation photos.
One Of The Parasites From Conspiracy
Remember them? The ones that tried to make Riker eat worms to prove he was on their side? The episode that concluded their spin on The Next Generation is unforgettable to me, simply because it exposed my nine-year-old self to probably the most violent thing I’d ever seen up to that point: Picard and Riker phasering a guy until his head exploded and a parasitic worm creature climbed up out of his guts. Hey, they’ve certainly got a connection to Starfleet, maybe they started infiltrating sooner in this timeline. I miss those slimy little bastards.
A Henchman Working For God’s Rockmen
If you’ve ever seen William Shatner speak at a convention, there’s a good chance he’s regaled you with with the behind-the-scenes dirt on Star Trek V. See, the confrontation between the Enterprise crew and “God” was supposed to culminate in an elaborate action sequence where Kirk and company would fight a bunch of “Rockmen.” Alas, they were slain by a tight budget, leaving the Rockmen merely a footnote in Trek history. Our theory? The Rockmen have snuck over into this new reality to kill young Kirk for his insolence. Using their fleshy agent, Cumberbatch, the Rockmen will finally have their revenge.
A Pissed-Off Gorn Wearing A Skinsuit
You may recall this past summer that we learned that the upcoming Star Trek videogame — which is said to be canon and which serves as a bridge between Abrams’ two Trek movies — will find Kirk and Spock battling the Gorn. I’m sure the game will allow the player to foil the Gorn’s plans, whatever they may be, but that just means they’re going to have a serious mad-on for Kirk and Starfleet in general. How better to bring down Starfleet than with an inside man…er, lizard…in disguise? I mean, hell, it worked for that Vincent D’Onofrio alien in Men in Black, so why not for the Gorn? (Clearly they have better skinsuit technology in the future.)
Khan…’s Blonde-Mulleted Second-In-Command (In A Wig)
Ah, poor Khan’s Blonde-Mulleted Second-In-Command. In spite of working under the command of Star Trek’s most iconic and menacing villain, I still had to Google you to remember what the hell your name was. And look there, I’ve already forgotten again. I figure at a certain point you get tired of playing second fiddle to Khan just because he has such a perfectly chiseled chest. Before you slip into your own cryosleep container on the Bontany Bay, maybe you fix it so Khan’s has a little “accident.” When you eventually wake up, boom, instant promotion. Now that you don’t have to worry about Khan getting into a pissing contest with Kirk, you can get busy trying to take over the galaxy. In a wig.
An Albino Non-Bumpy Klingon
The Klingons were one of the main villains of the original Trek series, long before they became allies with Starfleet and started getting those silicone forehead injections just because some descendant of Kahless decided it was the trendy thing to do. So of course the Klingons would want to infiltrate Starfleet, but between the tan and those untrustworthy eyebrows, they can’t help but stand out. And so a lonely and picked-upon albino Klingon heeds the call of destiny. Here is a task that only he can accomplish, and lo, he rises to the occasion like Rudolph during that particularly stormy Christmas Eve. Perhaps now…finally…the other Klingons will stop laughing and calling him names.
The Cuckolded Husband Of One Of Kirk’s Many Conquests
Actually…actually I think we might be onto something with this one…