Einstein-Endorsed Time-Traveling Bike For Sale On Craigslist

By Nick Venable | 7 years ago

bike

Craigslist: it isn’t the final frontier, but you can probably find someone selling the final frontier for a pretty good deal. But make sure you meet the guy in a public place. We’re not responsible for any discomfort you might be through.

Perhaps as a nod to the ad that inspired the film Safety Not Guaranteed, or perhaps as a muddled confession of insanity, one Craigslist user is selling a bike for $1,000. A steep price for any mere bicycle locked into one dimension, sure, but it’s certainly a low price to pay for a time machine. That’s right, a time machine. Let’s break down this ludicrous and childlike post in parts, shall we?

A real marvel of future science. This device is capable of traveling different dimensions and time periods. Endorsed by Thomas Jefferson and Albert Einstein. This here is not an ordinary bike by any means. It breaks my heart even considering posting this time traveling machine on Craigslist. This technology comes with great power, so it must be handled with great responsibility. I will only sell this machine to whoever can prove themselves worthy of obtaining such power.

Well, look at this starfucker here, namedropping Jefferson and Einstein as endorsements. Starting a sentence with “This here” is not the way to convince me that groundbreaking technology is within one’s grasp. And mentioning a broken heart is for ballads and diaries, not for ads about time machines. Do you have the power it takes? Perhaps more background is in order.

I have seen the dark face of humanity as I traveled to the year 3017. I cannot explain the gruesome end that our children’s children will face. I was not powerful enough to stop the evil, so that’s why I am selling this machine. I want to be 100% sure that the next owner has what it takes to save the human race.

I’m fairly certain my children’s children will not in any way be affected by events occurring in the 900 years prior to 3017. And let’s just get this right out in the open: If this guy isn’t good enough to save the human race, then I’m not sure I trust his opinion about anyone else being capable of doing so.

I have had a lot of adventures with this machine, and I have met a lot of history’s most influential figures, but the real purpose of this time machine is to save humanity. I will be waiting for the next rider of time to come forth. Come ready with a good proposal of why you are worthy enough.

I think answering this ad in the first place deems someone unworthy of being smart enough to save humanity’s future. Perhaps if there had ever been a quote from Jefferson having met someone named Captain Dumbass, then maybe we’d have proof of this time traveling bike’s true powers. Check out his handy, easy-to-read time travel graph below.

graph

And for all your weird and practical needs, offered up by the least-sociopathic people on the planet, look no further than Craigslist. But if time traveling is your goal, please remember, “Basic bike riding skills a MUST!!!” Three exclamation points, people!

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