By its name and short synopsis, the mini-miniseries Hollywood Zombie Apocalypse sounds like a fantastic piece of satirical escapism. The movie and tabloid industry’s elite are brought together for the next great superhero blockbuster, and it’s interrupted as Hollywood falls victim to a plague of body-chewing zombies. It’s the kind of logline that inspires heightened anticipation, so it’s a massive disappointment that Ralph Tedesco and Joe Brusha’s plotline eschews any form of actual storytelling and relies mostly on a stereotype-heavy shooting gallery of half-assed movie star insults.
Here’s the nutshelled narrative: unknown actor Michael May gets a job as the lead in League of Defenders, and he takes his godawful friend with him to the Roosevelt Hotel for a costumed script reading, for social media purposes. Though the comic hides from last names, the “movie” also stars Dwayne Johnson as a brain-dead child, Shia LaBeouf as…Shia LaBeouf, Tom Cruise as the method actor who suddenly becomes his superhero, Bryan Cranston as someone who hasn’t left Breaking Bad behind entirely, and more of that kind of shit with other actors. (Somehow Michael Bay is also a character, despite there already being a Michael May here.) It’s the kind of satire Mad Magazine would use if it were an elementary school newspaper insert. I’m also fairly certain neither of these writers understands how marijuana works.
On a brighter note, David Lorenzo Riveiro’s art is pretty good, although these zombies are of the grey-face-and-small-wounds variety, so there’s not a lot of distinction happening. But it doesn’t make up for this cast of personality-purged characters and a paint-by-numbers setup. I mean, how does one ruin Justin Bieber getting bitten by a zombie? Pick up a copy of Hollywood Zombie Apocalypse #1 to find out.
This Week’s New Sci-Fi Comics
Alien vs. Predator: Fire and Stone #2 (Dark Horse)
A terminally ill scientist’s desperate experiment yields deadly results, and offers the Predators a chance to hunt an invincible new game!
Chew #44 (Image Comics)
‘CHICKEN TENDERS,’ Part Four Warning: Sissies will need an adult diaper before reading this one. No joke. No lie. This will be the most talked about issue of CHEW in years.
Doctor Who: The Tenth Doctor #4 (Titan Comics)
One trip, one time, anywhere in the universe. Where and when would you go? In exchange for the invaluable assistance she offered defending New York — and to apologize for dropping into her life like a tornado! — the Doctor has promised Gabby one trip — just one trip! — in the TARDIS.
With the whole universe laid before her, all of time and space, where will Gabriella Gonzalez choose to go? What will they find when they get there — and can one trip in the TARDIS ever be enough? More importantly, with Donna still fresh in the Doctor’s mind, can Gabby convince him that he shouldn’t travel alone, for just a little while longer?
The Fuse #7 (Image Comics)
‘GRIDLOCK,’ Part One 22,000 MILES UP, THERE IS (STILL) NO BACKUP. They call it Gridlocking — maglev-bike races across the Fuse’s vast solar arrays. Fast, dangerous, and very illegal. When a gridlocker turns up dead, Klem and Ralph begin their own race to catch a killer! PLUS: Bonus backup strip ‘TABLOID’ starts this issue!
God Hates Astronauts #3 (Image Comics)
The awkward name-calling and gentle smooching of anthropomorphic superheroes just got awkwardly smoochier! Muggings continue to transpire at an alarming rate! Someone better call the Anti-Mugger!
The Humans #1 (Image Comics)
Apart, they are nothing…deemed by society as outcasts, misfits, losers, no good punks! But together, they are THE HUMANS! THE HUMANS is a high-octane, no-holds-barred, ape-biker-gang chopper ride into ’70s exploitation genre bliss. Follow Bobby, Johnny, and all The HUMANS as they fight and fly down the road to oblivion on a ride filled with chains, sex, leather, denim, hair, blood, bananas, and chrome.
John Carter: Warlord of Mars #1 (Dynamite Entertainment)
John Carter: Warlord of Mars returns in a new monthly series, officially authorized by Edgar Rice Burroughs, Inc.! Superstar writer Ron Marz finally gets to pen the series he has always wanted to write, with amazing new art talent Abhishek Malsuni joining him. Return to the exotic landscape of Barsoom, as John Carter has to save his adopted world, not to mention his beloved Dejah Thoris, from an enemy like no other he has ever faced. John Carter must truly become Warlord of Mars against an adversary who is every bit his equal on the savage red planet. An amazing new era for John Carter of Mars starts here!
The Legendary Star-Lord #5 (Marvel Comics)
STAR-LORD UNLEASHED! All these basic busters out in space are about to get a taste of their own medicine, Peter Quill-style! • MISTER KNIFE steps from the shadows…this guy is drag city. • WHAT is the mysterious Black Vortex? (It’s not a band, it’s an ancient cosmic artifact that is gonna cause big trouble.) • Dude, space is awesome, but the ice cream up here suuuuucks.
RoboCop 2014 #5 (Boom! Studios)
No win comes without its losses. Lewis’s attempt to play the system has given her elevated status among the people, but she’s lost all the trust and power within the police system. She will now forever be in Killian’s crosshairs. RoboCop, now a lone officer, must find a way to defend the streets with no partner and no gun at his side.
Rocket Raccoon #5 (Marvel Comics)
As seen in the blockbuster Marvel Studios film, Guardians of the Galaxy, Rocket and Groot are back! • It’s the breakout hit series of the summer! As their space adventures continue, find out why Rocket Raccoon and Groot are quickly becoming the hottest characters in the Marvel Universe. • How does the most dangerously daring critter of the cosmos get the bad guys? With his two best friends: Guns and Groot!
The Superannuated Man #4 (Image Comics)
Having barely survived the tortuous antics of the mad scientist Armadillo Jones and his assistant Leopoldo, the human called HE escapes deeper into the viscous underbelly of hand water, and finds himself in even worse circumstances.