I never thought I’d get to say these words, but here we go. The trailer below is red banded because a robot says “fuck,” and it’s pretty awesome, if you’re into that sort of thing.
There are a lot of movies coming out in 2014 that have us frothing at the mouth. We’re talking everything from giant lizards to time travel to talking apes, it’s going to be a good year. All but one of those upcoming films, however, are sorely missing the monstrously daunting combination of Dolph Lundgren, zombies, and killer robots. Anchor Bay’s Battle of the Damned is chock-full of all three, so you obviously have your favorite film of the year just waiting to be seen. (I’m not sure you’ll have to change your Oscar predictions however.) The Lundgren opus hits Blu-ray and DVD on February 18, 2014, and the studio has released two new trailers, along with a couple of stills of Lundgren looking like a guy who kills zombies alongside robots.
Battle of the Damned, which lacks as a title in comparison to something like Undead Humanoid Bot Action Party, takes place in a world where a new viral outbreak turns the population into icky monster things. Max Gatling (Lundgren), a much better name, is a soldier who gathers a group of survivors to save a young girl, taking on a zombie army with the help of a bunch of robots, before the government completely nukes the city. Seriously, I could just sit here and write out that plot in various different ways over and over again just to appease the 12-year-old boy that still lives inside me.
I understand that some of the enjoyment of this flick will come at its own expense, but I genuinely felt the need to clap for the rousing text used in the trailer. “When All Hope is Lost” — explosion, explosion — “The Only Chance for Salvation” — bullets, bashing, silence — “Is Robots.” And then the robots come in and liter the ground with zombie parts. It was at this point I felt the need to run into my bedroom to make sure nobody had stolen my dream journals and used them as the source material for this movie. Given that the streets aren’t made out of boobs, I’m probably safe.
Battle of the Damned seems to have more in common with Escape From New York over The Walking Dead. I sincerely hope the daughter-saving-plan exposition takes only a few seconds before the title screen, and we’re treated to 84 more minutes of mostly plotless action and carnage. It isn’t often I readily hope for a lack of a story, but I feel like I’m choosing wisely on this one.
Take a peek at the green band trailer below to get a minutely less violent look at the material, followed by the two stills.
While you’ll also be able to see Lundgren hunting cryptids in 2014, I think you’ll agree that watching him stand back to back with a robot while filling zombies will bullets is a far greater use of your time. Even if you’re a physician who’s supposed to be performing open heart surgery on your mother, this is a better use of your time.