Van Damme Is Now (Not Really) Doing Splits In Zero Gravity

By Nick Venable | 7 years ago

While I thought seeing Kate Upton floating around in a bikini was going to be the best thing February had to offer in the realm of “zero gravity activities,” random Internet video spoofers have taken the top prize with the apex of all of the Jean Claude Van Damme Epic Split parodies. This takes the cake, and then it tuns that cake into magic for you and your eyes.

I sincerely hope this video turns into a reality one day, as Van Damme calmly stands with his feet on two different satellites, hundreds of miles above Earth. But rather than freak out about everything like Sandra Bullock did in Gravity, he just calmly stands there and lets his feet drift apart until he is actually CUTTING A SPLIT IN SPACE! Let’s bring Gravity back into it for a second to think about a random piece of debris zinging right through his suit in a most unsuitable spot. Not that he wouldn’t just roundhouse kick that debris into oblivion, but it’s in space and I don’t know how roundhouses work up there.

This all just makes me wonder why Van Damme hasn’t carved a niche out for himself in space horror. Just picture Mission to Mars with Van Damme in the Gary Sinise role. Doesn’t that make the original seem that much better? That’s what the entire point of this article was, to make you appreciate Brian De Palma’s sci-fi more.

In case you haven’t seen the actual video that this is based on, check it out below, and don’t try it at home. Go ahead and try the satellite one though.

And then maybe you’ve never seen Van Damme actually doing any splits in his films. No problem, and no moving trucks needed. There are more horizontal lines in the following video than there are in a pack of loose leaf paper.

And then there are the parodies. There’s the Christmas-time Chuck Norris clip.

And the…well, just check it out.