Science Proves Koozies Are Your Beer’s Best Defense Against Warmth

By Nick Venable | 8 years ago

beerI don’t know about where you guys live, but the weather here in Louisiana has already started reaching mild summer temperatures, and though things aren’t unbearable in the least, it’s going to get that way at some point, and summer is when everything happens outside. And by “everything,” I mean things that happen in places where people get beer drunk all day long. Sports games, music fests, pool parties, and things of that nature. Well, science is helping the more clueless day-drinkers to have a better day once and for all.

University of Washington professor of atmospheric sciences and associate professor Dargan Frierson co-authored a study for Physics Today that proves beyond all doubt that a beer koozie will keep your beer cold. While that seems like a rather obvious solution in the first place, I rarely use one, and it’s for no good reason, honestly. It’s one of those things that just bypasses my common sense, like changing my car’s oil or not putting my head in a paper bag to fall asleep at night.

The researchers performed the study on a small scale at first, using a salty ice bath to cool the beer down to near-freezing, and then adjusting the heat and humidity of the room — a small, unused bathroom. They found that, on average, the condensation that forms on the outside of the beer will raise the temperature by six degrees in just five minutes. Assuming it follows that pattern, you’re looking at a warm beer in no time at all. And not even war is worse than warm beer.

They crowdsourced the experiment and got other people in different regions to perform the test, and it was proved again and again that the more humid a region is, the more condensation. And when your hand touches condensation, it quickly transfers your palm’s heat to the bottle, which is certainly cooling for the holder, but damning for the brew. So don’t go off stumbling around all summer with a damaged goods. Buy a koozie. Use a koozie. Also for soda. But soda is bad for you. Beer good.

Also, try to eat baked potato chips.

Frierson isn’t trying to be a buzzkill or anything, but he does warn, “We expect a much moister atmosphere with global warming because warmer air can hold a lot more water vapor.” Which would be cool if the these condensation-filtering water bottles ever came into being, but until then, these are wet, hot times indeed. And when you’re done with your beer cans, build yourself something nice.

Remember to tip your bartender, robot or not.