This Portal Cake Is Not A Lie

By Nick Venable | Published

not a lieSometimes, when my sweet tooth is guiding my hunger, I’ll guiltily feel the need to do something for it, like a few minutes’ worth of exercise to burn off a twentieth of the calories soon to be shoved into my face. Now, I will probably never feel like using an Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device to guide my way through a series of training rooms in order to get my sugar fix, but if I’m promised cake while doing anything, I expect some cake. I. Expect. Cake. And I expect to look like Chell when I wake up in the morning. Don’t read into my sexuality on this.

There’s at least a cure for that snack craving now, thanks to the company Gaya Entertainment GmbH, who have created “Portal:┬áThe Cake Mix!” for your munching pleasures. It doesn’t come with its own GLaDOS to guide you through your baking with that oh-so-familiar voice, but know that even if it says it isn’t monitoring you when you’re in the kitchen, it is definitely still monitoring you.

The first thing this product wants you to know in its “Technical Details” is that “The Cake Is NOT a Lie!” And based on an ingredients list and the judgment of some of the commenters at the bottom of the page, I’m willing to believe this thing might be for reals.

The article is a lie.

Dammit, GLaDOS, no it isn’t. If Amazon says there are 100g of chocolate flakes and there are only 98g of chocolate flakes, that doesn’t make this story a lie!

Maybe serve this with your favorite sci-fi cookie and a big glass of noticeable taste of blood. I mean milk!