The LAPD Made The Crappiest Zombie Video Ever

By Nick Venable | 8 years ago

As we get closer to Thanksgiving and farther away from Halloween, it seems like the perfect time for the LAPD to drop a fright-filled video about vehicular burglary, featuring a quartet of undead thieves. You thought all zombies want from you is just your brains and flesh? Think again. They want your tablets and the dangly things you keep around your rearview mirror.

So yes, the fear this video incites has little to do with zombies, or even with getting your car broken into. What is downright frightening is just how terribly this video is made, even by independently produced public service announcement standards. We see some awful vids on this site, usually with “Syfy Original” stamped in front of them, but this is Reefer Madness bad, but also quite wonderful. It’s got all the drama of The Walking Dead with all the character work of…The Walking Dead. Amazing!

It starts off with a shot of the most gigantic moon known to man, and then heads into a house with a man reading a copy of E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey. This man does not want his reading time to be interrupted, and he’s willing to treat dead people like homeless people to get his point across. At least, until his wife mentions he left “the baby” in his car, which only turns out to be his iPad. (Notice when the zombie breaks the window, most of the glass still manages to fall outside of the car somehow.)

Cue the dramatic porn music, as the Keystone Kops’ mentally debilitated brothers show up on the scene to put these bad guys in their place, but not with the chainsaw in the trunk. The homeless jokes continue, as one of the zombies is found to be harboring a paper-bagged bottle of malt liquor.

Now, the final three minutes of the video feature Captain Jeffrey Bert with a more fact-oriented talk about how many cars get broken into in L.A. — around 400 a week — and how the best way to combat this for citizens not to leave any personal items like cell phones and purses in plain sight when not in the vehicle. “Lock it. Hide it. Keep it.” is the motto of the day.

But the best quote of the video? Bert saying, “Whatever you call them — people, zombies, bad guys, creeps criminals — breaking into your cars…” I don’t think I’ve ever called a criminal a zombie. Have you?

Want to see how cops would really handle zombie outbreaks? Or vampire and werewolf ones? MTV’s Death Valley is just the place.