La Chupacabra Spotted In Oklahoma, Still Doesn’t Exist

By Nick Venable | 8 years ago

Chupacabra

Yeah, I know it’s bullshit for me to even be covering this, given that this site deals with strictly hard facts, such as who J.J. Abrams’ third-grade teacher thinks Benedict Cumberbatch is going to be in the Star Trek sequel. But if this nasty-looking bastard turns out to be the real thing, I want everyone to remember me forever for giving you the first warning.

Deer Creek, Oklahoma is the latest home to the goat-eating, God-destroying cryptozoological creature that is the Chupacabra. Local outdoorsman and all-around wrong person Craig Martin took three photos of a mangy-looking starving animal having lunch, which just happened to be an animal carcass. But instead of assuming it was a mangy-looking starving animal, Martin dropped a completely non-mythical info bomb on Oklahoma City affiliate KFOR: it’s a Chupacabra.

“That’s immediately what we thought and it looks exactly the same,” Martin said. “There’s not much difference at all.” No different from an animal that never existed before. I don’t even know how the double negatives work out on that one.

Experts quickly tried to dam up the all-flowing lunacy. “What we’re dealing with here is just a coyote with a bad case of mange,” says Michael Bergin, Department of Wildlife Spokesperson. He will go so far as to admit it’s not a regular coyote, and that it’s probably a hybrid. But with a dog mixed in, not a Yeti or anything. Maybe the coyote had sex with the hairless raccoon found in Oklahoma a few years ago.

The news story ends — similarly to this one, in a meta sort of way — with the words, “Through sightings and pictures, the mystery of the chupacabra in Oklahoma remains.” Almost every word in that sentence is wrong. Have a monsterless weekend, readers.

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