Iran Fighting Giant, Mutant Rat Infestation With Sniper Teams

By Nick Venable | Updated

First, a dirty joke. Little Johnny’s first grade class was playing the alphabet game. For “A,” the teacher chose Little Suzy, whose answer, “Apple,” won a gold star. For “B,” she chose Little Bobby, and “Basketball,” got him a star, too. When Little Johnny’s hand shot up for the letter “R,” she hesitated. Unable to recall any corresponding curse words or body parts, she called on Little Johnny, who said, “Rats! Big fuckin’ rats! With dicks three feet long!”

And now let’s jump into modified evolution telling a dirty joke. Rats, big fuckin’ rats, with genitalia of unspecified size, have reportedly overrun around 26 districts within the Iranian capital of Tehran. The rats have been driven out of their subterranean homes by melting snows, making an already-existing rat problem far worse. How much worse? The situation has gotten so ridiculous, they’ve allegedly had to call in sniper teams armed with infra-red sighted rifles to take care of the problem, which includes the rats getting into restaurants, backyards, and public waste containers. Let the gravity of this next sentence sink in: the rats have jumped from 60 grams all the way to five kilos, octomaplying in size.

Big fuckin' rats.
Rodents of unusual size

“They seem to have had a genetic mutation, probably as a result of radiations and the chemical used on them,” said Ismail Kahram, Teheran city council environment adviser and university professor. “They are now bigger and look different. These are changes that normally take millions of years of evolution. They have jumped from 60 grams to five kilos, and cats are now smaller than them.”

The rats are battled using chemicals during the day, while the sniper teams tackle the problem at night. The carcasses, of which there are currently over 2,200, are either burnt or buried in lime. Presumably with a stake through their hearts, below running water. The city council is thinking of bringing in more snipers, as the battle is far from over.

How is this not Paul W.S. Anderson’s adaptation of The Pied Piper?


Image via Reuters