We’re used to the world of 3D printing hitting some pretty weird and grand places, from an entire car to functioning prosthetic body parts. But this one company, the crowdfunded 3D Babies, has finally uncovered the key to dismantling my subconscious by offering up 3D-printed versions of your unborn baby. I’m using the “universal you” in this case, because if I specifically knew any of you were planning on doing this, I would staple a restraining order to your face.
Combining the uncomfortable feeling one gets when looking at a fetus with the displeasure one gets from holding something fetus-shaped, 3D Babies are sure to be a hit at your next baby shower, the majority of which you’ll spend trying to explain your lack of decision-making skills. Is that why you got pregnant in the first place? What would your grandmother say, after she rose from her dead faint?
The figures are printed using a 3D or 4D ultrasound photo as a blueprint, or a blue-faced print if the umbilical cord happens to be a bit of a nuisance. And not only are they customized to look just like your little blob of heaven, but you can micromanage a little further. Choose from the $800 full-sized, eight-inch-long model, the $400 half-size, or the $200 mini for all you fucking wackoloons who are on a budget. You can also choose between light, medium, and dark skin tones, and whether you want it posed with its arms and legs crossed, as if it were cannonball diving out of a vagina, or with its arms and legs spread wide open, as if it were part of a fart-lighting ceremony, balls and all.
Take a look at two of the comparison photos the site was kind enough to supply to help make choosing a 3D-printed version of a fetus that much easier.
Admittedly, my mind immediately went to the dark place and I was thinking of this as an “in memory of” kind of a prize for those who may have miscarried or something, kind of like some people take photos with their stillborn children. Did I lose everyone? Just picture yourself using the 3D printing pen to give it a little hat and a watch. “What time is it, Mr. Fetus?” “It’s time for you to stop dumping all of your medication into your coffee.”
Below you’ll find one of the most frightening pictures you’ll ever see on this website. Did I mention this was crowdfunded? What the hell, people with more money than me?