Star Wars Should Cross Over With The Predator, This Is How
Star Wars should bring the Predator into the saga by having the merciless hunter target the Ewoks of Return of the Jedi.
Along with reeling in wayward Marvel properties like the X-Men and Fantastic Four when it acquired Fox, Disney also brought the popular sci-fi/horror franchises Alien and The Predator under its umbrella; making it possible for–among other things–merciless hunters like the ones introduced in 1987’s Predator to cross over into other narratives. Since the Disney-owned Star Wars is comprised of countless alien species existing amidst who knows how many fictional worlds, it would seem like a perfecting hunting ground for Predator. As for who Lucasfilm should pit the trophy hunter against, I think it’s time this dreadlocked Ted-Nugent-in-space go head-to-head with the Rebellion’s greatest heroes: The Ewoks.
It’s A Hot, Godless Summer On Endor
The short version? Based on past films, we know in order to be lured to one of the Star Wars worlds, the Predator needs two things: heat and conflict. Endor doesn’t seem like a particularly hot place, but there’s no reason the Forest moon couldn’t endure an irregularly hot summer or two; perhaps even somehow owing to the massive space station that blew up nearby. As for the conflict: after the events of Return of the Jedi, the Ewoks of Endor are embroiled in a violent holy war, which is completely supported by the events of the third Star Wars film.
The last we saw of the Ewoks, canonically speaking, they were celebrating the victory of the Battle of Endor; made possible by their assistance in bringing down the Death Star’s shield generator. The relatively primitive Ewoks were just as happy, if not even more overjoyed, as their new allies about the victory in spite of the fact that someone abruptly and rudely replaced their glorious traditional music (as chronicled by The Carillon) with some nonsense that sounded like it came from the B-side of a Sting album. But their new friends couldn’t stay around forever, and it’s this departure which opens the way for Star Wars to bring Predator to Endor.
As Star Wars fans will no doubt remember, initially the Ewoks see themselves as anything but friends to most of the heroes. In spite of Leia’s (Carrie Fisher) protestations, the Ewoks–the most murderous bears this side of that upcoming Winnie the Pooh slasher flick–planned to eat the human (and one Wookiee) heroes in a feast to honor C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) who they believed to be a god. Why would people who look like teddy bears think the humanoid version of the owl from Clash of the Titans was their god? That’s a question for more learned theologians than I.
Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) is lucky Star Trek‘s United Federation of Planets doesn’t exist in Star Wars, because not even Predator could compete with what the Federation would do to him if they found out (and they would also probably not be thrilled about him trying to murder students in their sleep). Using The Force, Skywalker fools the Ewoks into believing C-3PO has godlike powers and that he will punish them if they don’t stop cooking their people-dinner and go vegan for the evening. It’s on this basis that the Ewoks not only choose to temporarily say no to cannibalism, but that they join the Rebel Alliance in their war against the Empire.
At some point after the conclusion of Return of the Jedi, C-3PO–the protocol droid who seems to have been programmed chiefly to complain–will leave, and that’s where the trouble begins. It seems we only see one Ewok tribe in the film, but there’s no reason to believe Endor’s lush forests aren’t filled with similar near-naked mini-bears. What happens when every Ewok on the planet learns their gold-plated god has left them?
Some Ewoks will be crushed their god has left, others will claim he was never their god at all, and still others will argue the collectible Willow thermos they found in a clearing the other week is the true god of the Ewoks. Holy war will erupt all across Endor with the arrows, spears, rocks, and really luckily and hastily placed log traps flying and stealing life in every corner of the Forest Moon. And it will be this Star Wars conflict that brings the Predator a-hunting.
Ewoks Ain’t Got Time To Bleed
I know what you’re thinking: how can the Stone Age Teddy Ruxpins of Star Wars stand up to the Predator? The Predator is no storm trooper, he actually hits what he’s shooting at sometimes. In five minutes, all of Endor will look like a rabid xenomorph broke into a Build-A-Bear shop: why would Predator even bother?
Ewoks may be cute, small, and wear clothes on only the parts of their body that shouldn’t require clothing, but let’s remember who we’re talking about here. These Star Wars heroes defeated a legion of Imperial troops with mostly arrows, spears, rocks, and really, really well made log traps that you would think someone would have heard or seen them setting up beforehand. Not to mention that shortly after meeting Leia, Wicket displays a sensory perception that dwarfs the princess’s own; suggesting the cloaking device Predator stole from the Klingons would be no help.
And more than what they’re capable of, let’s remember who the Ewoks are. Based on what we see in Return of the Jedi, within minutes of meeting new people, Ewoks often decide to eat those new people unless A) they look really pretty with braided hair or B) a god tells them not to and subsequently floats through the air to prove he’s a god. They use, at the very least, the helmets of their dead foes as musical instruments and there is no proof that there weren’t severed heads inside of those storm trooper helmets either.
The Ewoks are ruthless cannibal warriors capable of laying low armies of technologically superior foes, and they only show mercy if there’s divine intervention. Yes, a Star Wars/Predator crossover would result in a bunch of furry puddles, but I’m confident the bears would be using the Predator’s skull as some kind of messed up Ewok saxophone before the day was through. Star Wars: Ewoks Vs. Predator! Make it happen!