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Best Apology Ever: Tabloid Says Sorry To Aliens For Linking Them To Scientology

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UFOLast week British tabloid The Sun ran a report of UFOs hovering over the headquarters of the British Church of Scientology. Known to be a rather litigious sort, the Church’s legal department demanded an apology from the paper, which it subsequently received. There was, however, a bit of a twist to this particular act of contrition. Instead of a traditional “Hey we screwed up, our bad,” the publication instead directed their apology to the aliens. After all, you don’t want to offend the extraterrestrials. If movies have taught us anything, it’s that they more often than not have the technology to blast us into kingdom come. Better not to piss them off.

The short retraction makes it obvious the act was in response to threatened legal action, and concludes with the line, “Following a letter from lawyers for the Church, we apologise to any alien lifeforms for linking them to Scientologists.”

Brilliant. This is how you apologize when someone uses legal means to force your hand. We’ll see how long it takes the legal team to contact The Sun again, especially since it’s easier to win a libel suit in Britain than in the US, but for now, this is pretty damn funny.

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Private Company Will Beam Your Messages Into Outer Space

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lone signalYou guys remember Robert Zemeckis’ Contact, right? It’s the movie that turned Carl Sagan’s science into science fiction, but mostly remained entertaining while doing so. I’m less certain it’s because the movie was actually good, rather than because, even within a fictional narrative, the possibility of reaching out and communicating with extraterrestrials is exciting.

The Lone Signal project — backed by scientists, businessmen, and entrepreneurs — isn’t so much interested in listening for the sounds of aliens as they are in getting aliens to listen to us. Having signed a 30-year lease to use the Jamesburg Earth Station, a California radio dish built in 1968, Lone Signal will begin transmitting messages aimed directly at the star system Gliese 526, which shows a good chance of harboring habitable planets, and which is located 17.6 light-years from Earth. The plan is to branch out and send signals to other areas of the galaxy, but that would take more financing. Assuming we don’t actually contact something first.

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Alien Hoax Gets Chinese Man Arrested

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headAll right, everybody has their tin foil hats on, right? And I do mean “hats,” as it’s important to wear more than one if you really want to keep Big Government from listening to your thoughts. (Assuming the NSA hasn’t already wiretapped your brain.)

As with other of society’s worst aspects like smoking and pollution, China is now on the grand stage of countries with alleged alien sightings. And while saying you saw an alien doesn’t warrant any kind of legal ramifications, manufacturing and promoting evidence of the sighting landed a Chinese farmer in jail recently. Referred to only as “Mr. Li,” the farmer was hauled in after the government decided that his fake alien corpse being passed off as the real thing “disturbed the public order.”

Mr. Li’s close encounter occurred on the banks of the Yellow River, where he claimed to have found five aliens three months previous. But not all of the aliens were just standing around being obvious; one of them had been electrocuted by the electric fence Li set up to catch wild rabbits. He says he took one of them home and put it in his freezer, where he took pictures that he then posted online, to promote the “facts” that aliens were in China.

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Aliens One-Minute Speedrun Mostly Comes Out At Night…Mostly

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I wish I knew how long it took the guys from 1A4Studio to do their quasi-parody Speedrun videos, because I would then clone the creators several times over so that they could pay a one-minute homage to all of cinema. Actually, I’m pretty pleased that, in four videos, they haven’t strayed from the science fiction genre. Maybe we don’t need Speedruns of movies like Madea’s Family Reunion or Titanic. But another James Cameron film fits the bill perfectly.

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Truth Stranger Than Fiction: Alleged Six-Inch Alien Skeleton Actually Belonged To A Human

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nonalienChile’s Atacama desert is home to the super-powered Atacama Large Millimeter/Submillimeter Array (ALMA), the grouping of giant antennae which team up to become the word’s strongest telescope, and it will almost definitely be worth every bit of the $1.5 billion it cost to set it up. But instead of possibly looking for aliens, Atacama is also known for harboring one. Or at least what some people took to be an alien skeleton.

The strange skeleton was the promoted center of the pseudo-documentary Sirius, which was released on April 22, but it had a former emergency physician at its center. Real life has Garry Nolan, professor of microbiology and immunology at Stanford School of Medicine, who analyzed the six-inch-long skeleton with a team of colleagues. They used X-rays, hi-res photography, DNA sequencing, and computed tomography scans.

“Oh, and there ain’t no such thing as aliens or Men in Black.” But unlike Will Smith, I’m not lying to you. What Nolan and his team found is damned near as interesting though. The tests show the skeleton belonged to an extremely deformed human, and what’s more, the gender-unknown being was six to eight years of age at the time of death. What the fuck is that about? They aren’t sure just yet. The skeleton had only had 10 ribs, instead of the normal 12, and there were skull and facial deformities consistent with turricephaly, or the conehead syndrome.

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Sirius Documentary Will Autopsy An Alleged Six-Inch Alien

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I know the Fox network wasn’t the first place ever to offer up false footage marketed under the guise of being “genuinely real,” but their 1995 show Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction was one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen. Even as a teenager, it really opened the door for amateur filmmakers to spout whatever nonsense they like and market it under the “documentary” category. Loose Change? Zeitgeist? Well, another “real” flick is on the way to take a shit all over your critical thinking abilities.

You’ve heard of aliens possibly hiding out in Russia, the Olympic Games, and of course in Roswell, but what about the tiny six-inch long extraterrestrial found in the Chilean desert? The specimen in question is the subject of Sirius, a crowdfunded documentary from Steven Greer, a former emergency medical physician who started The Disclosure Project in 1993, with the express intent of extracting all kinds of secret alien information from the government. Seeing as how most of us have never even heard of Greer, I guess that means The Disclosure Project has come up short.