Five Ways Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 Needs To Improve Upon The First One
Maybe mutate into a good movie?
This article is more than 2 years old
Kill April Off, or Maybe Just Have Less of Her. Or Kill Her Off.
Since this wasn’t the Turtles’ movie, it had to be somebody’s, right? That somebody was the occupationally greedy April O’Neil, played with all the warmth of an Eskimo witch’s tit by Megan Fox. Instead of watching the Turtles order weird pizzas and talk about Breaking Bad and Adventure Time, audiences got to watch April get hit on by Will Arnett’s almost 100% camera-free cameraman Vernon Fenwick while the two drive around trying to take down a criminal organization that even the cops aren’t trying too hard to mess with. If Paul Feig had written Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, that might have been a fun movie, but everything about it stands in the way of the titular heroes.
Since I doubt any execs will allow April to bite the dust this early in the rebooted franchise, I suppose I’ll just have to settle for wishing danger upon her. Instead of breaking the Turtles apart, or putting the grating Splinter in distress, maybe have the Foot Clan kidnap April and keep her bound and gagged for the entire film. And maybe, just maybe, the Turtles don’t even go and look for her until Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3. Unless returning screenwriters Josh Appelbaum and André Nemec somehow figure out a way to make April interesting again, or there’s a casting change, or Megan Fox also does performance-capture for a CGI version of herself. Otherwise, stick her in a trunk somewhere.
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