Scientist Says Bigfoot Exists, According To (Yawn) DNA Evidence Or Whatever
The history of hoaxes and psuedo-science shows that the subject matter central to a claim goes through stages. The first stage involves physical “proof,” manipulative visual or aural evidence. When that either runs out or is proven false, the claimants go for something headier, replacing anything tangible with words rooted in scientific jargon, thinking that the average layperson can’t possibly refute science terms. One need not look any further than crypto-zoology to find examples of this. I can’t believe I’ve been writing for this site for a month and a half and I’m already on my second “Bigfoot is real” story. Watch your step, as my hope for humanity has drained out of my body and pooled at my feet.
Five years in the making, a research study of over 100 samples of “Bigfoot” DNA is currently awaiting peer review. What are they reviewing? Only indisputable proof that Bigfoot does exist, and it’s a hybrid crossing humans and some other form of primate. The study was led by veterinarian Melba S. Ketchum and her team at the DNA Diagnostics facilities in Nacogdoches, TX. She posits the hybrid creature was the result of a “humans bumping uglies with animals” event some 15,000 years ago.
For five years previous to finding the various samples, Ketchum was a non-believer, working in the field of animal testing and species identification, with over thirty 30 in genetics and forensics research behind her. Her team is filled with experts in genetics, forensics, imaging and pathology. What has these seemingly above-average people all aflutter?
After finding discrepancies in hair samples culled from an alleged Bigfoot sighting, the team started receiving more sighting samples, including hair, blood, saliva, and urine. Ketchum says the team has found three nuclear genomes as yet unidentifiable in nature. And before you can say, “That shit is contaminated,” Ketchum refutes that claim here:
Early on, we started getting human results on the mitochondrial DNA — that’s maternally inherited and it can show where you’re from. Different labs had already tested alleged Sasquatch samples, and all of these labs were getting human results, so they just threw it out. We split the samples with another forensic lab — one worked on it manually while the other did it robotically, extracting the DNA — and we ran several tests to confirm there was no contamination. And we ended up getting human sequences on many samples.
In order for any of this to make sense or matter to anyone, the results must be duplicated and independent research must be done. I speak with judgment, but I would love for this evidence to be legitimate, so I can finally explain to people that my sizable beard doesn’t mean I’m a lazy hippie. It means I’m a hybrid creature.
To punctuate this story, Ketchum states that, if the evidence proves true and the existence of Sasquatch creatures is an actuality, she would “like to see them have the same protections as any other human as far as the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of their own happiness, meaning that they be left alone and not put under a microscope, not hunted, not harassed, not chased through the woods — leave them alone.” Funny how somebody can be so skilled with genetics while possessing no concept of irony.