By Lester K. Callahan: 2007-08-15 17:34:08
Has anyone else ever realized that God is pretty much the definition of a douche bag? If you met God on the street, you would absolutely hate him. It’s true. God personifies nearly every quality that I despise in friends, relatives, and complete strangers; yet, for some reason we worship each and everyone of those attributes. It’s like the asshole buddy that is such an over-the-top dick that everyone accepts it. Here's a rundown of all of the qualities that the average Christian believes God embodies:
Number One: God Is A Gossip Queen. This asshole literally wants to hear about everything that is going on in your life. He wants you to tell him about who you slept with out of wedlock and even advise you on how to handle the situation. Really, Jehovah? You’re going to sympathize with me about catching herpes from some seventeen year old Jezebel with a short pink skirt and powerful fuck me eyes? Stop claiming you have ever been in a situation like that. You haven’t. Your son wouldn’t even sleep with Mary Magdalene. She was a prostitute for your sake! If I have a problem that involves dealing with unruly angels or judging people for the sins that they committed, than by all means, I will ask you for help. That being said, keep your damn nose out of my sinful, promiscuous ass, God.
Number Two: God Needs To Be Complimented All The Time. Like an insecure woman or a sensitive chef, God needs to be told how awe-inspiring he is constantly. How many times do I have to thank him for creating the world? Before every single meal? I know he created the delicious animals that I’m now eating, but seriously, I don’t remember his ass hiding in the woods for six hours and perfectly sniping the unassuming deer with a high powered rifle. If I remember correctly, that was me. And what is with singing at church? Does El Shaddai really need to be serenaded for a few hours each Sunday? How much approval does one man need?
Number Three: God Is Lazy. It’s been like two thousand years since anyone has even seen Adonai. Would it really kill him to come hang out every once in awhile? There’s definitely some nights when I just feel like wallowing on my couch and not seeing people, but I would never go two millennia without seeing any of my buddies. That’s just downright rude. I ask God on a daily basis to come hang out with me, and he’s never showed up. That prick hasn’t even sent a replacement angel or a courier to tell me that he wasn’t showing up. Way to R.S.V.P., King Of Kings. Most people find the time to check that stupid box before weddings, I don’t see why The Great Shepard should be excluded from societal courtesies.
Number Four: God Is Ugly. I constantly hear Christians blathering on about how they were made in God’s image, and if that is the case, than God is fugly. I didn’t know the Almighty resembled an overweight soccer mom from the Midwest, but if that’s what floats his boat, than I’m not going to question him. I just won’t invite him whenever I have girls over for fear of ruining the good vibes. Actually, that probably explains why bad things happen. He’s just angry at all the superficial cab drivers pretending like they didn’t see him hailing them down.
Number Five: God Is Too Nice. Sure, my goal is to be a sweet and sensitive person, but sometimes I like laughing at people falling down. On occasion, I enjoy making twice daily Lindbergh baby kidnaping jokes, and I happen to find children falling in a well amusing in a detached and subversive sort of way. I know it’s probably wrong, but I don’t need God quietly shaking his head in the corner each time I make light of someone else’s plight. Just one time, I would like to see Jesus’ daddy make an ill-timed AIDS joke or light poop on fire on someone’s door step. I bet he’s never even “accidentally” overshot a make out in order to mushroom slap a hot chick in the face. Despicable.
Number Six: God Doesn’t Help Enough. Sure, the bastard aided Moses in parting the Red Sea, but he doesn’t have the decency to keep my iPod from breaking. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve asked him to please let the Detroit Red Wings’ plane crash, and he’s never once hooked a brother up. What kind of bullshit is that? Last year, for Christmas, I begged him for a lunch date with Marisa Tomei, but for some reason he decided that reduced car insurance was the more imperative concern.
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October 16th, 2007 at 01:48
God is a douche bag. I don\\\'t know what the hell I did that he can\\\'t even throw me a bone. Every time things start to look up i get shit on before i can stand up on my feet again. I would give my dog a bone then take it away when he starts to enjoy it.